Gorgeous at 30, Charming at 40, Irresistible for The Rest of my Life.

A message in my inbox surprised me. A friend, younger than I am said I am making singleness seem flawless and wishes I could write about it. I am smiling as I write this... I certainly had never expected to be single in my 40s. Still, I find myself remarkably happy most of the time. There are moments, of course, of frustration and grief over not having love, marriage and children. But I have come to realize that I’m happy despite the fact that my life did not turn out as expected. When I was younger, I always thought I’d be washed up and lonely if I didn’t marry at 40. That’s what a lot of people told me as I turned 30, and then 35, and then 40. But honestly, being single at this age is a game changer. I never met the right person, so I never settled. It’s not a priority for me anymore. Instead, I worked hard getting the other parts of my life right and I’m so happy I did.

“Never married” means you must have some neurotic trait that makes you impossible to live with and love. Families think you’re too picky, friends say your too career-focused and dates assume you’re high maintenance. It’s sad that having a marriage under your belt is considered a sign you’re not damaged goods. I don’t want 20-somethings today to feel that stigma at 40. As women, we finally can enjoy choices previous generations fought for. Getting married isn’t a forgone conclusion or a result of a pregnancy test. For my mothers’ generation, it was just expected that you marry and have kids. If you weren’t happy with that, then there was something wrong with you. Today we know in theory at least, that marriage and baby is not an automatic “pass go” to happiness.

I don’t dismiss the powerful effect that societal messages about “wedded bliss” have on young women. However, I think some of the judgment is in our own heads. It’s another case of thinking other people are spending way more time thinking about you than they do. Yes, we are fascinated by the Cinderella stories (and their break-down) but that doesn’t apply to real life where we are caught up in our own issues.

Being single in your 40s can be very fulfilling. It’s like being single in your 20s with less stress. By 40 you likely have more disposable income than at 20 and less responsibility than a couple. Once you get past the judgment, there’s a lot of freedom. I can’t remember the last time I felt lonely. Sure, I’ve had weekends where I was home alone baking, sleeping, or reading, when it felt like everyone else was at the beach. And I’ve been in a room full of people, feeling like I just want to be home, by myself. But lonely, truly lonely? I haven’t felt that in a long time. That’s because, as the saying goes, wherever I go, there I am. And I’ve got a full, rich life, one I’ve created for myself. It is by no means the life I expected to have at age 43, but it’s an abundant life in its own magnificent way. It’s a new kind of happiness I’m quite proud to have achieved and call my own.

I have the unconditional love of my mom, a sister, sister-in-law, a niece I am besotted by. My friends are there for me in the worst of times and the best of times and more importantly, in all the times in between. I’ve learned in my forties that being single is rarely lonely when you’ve cultivated strong relationships with others. My friends are indeed the family I choose.

In my 20s, I never imagined I wouldn’t be a mother in my 40s. In my 30s, or at least until my late 30s, I never imagined I would be single in my 40s. But here I am, single and childless in my mid-40s. And while I would be so grateful to find a for-the-rest-of-my-life kind of love (and with God’s help, motherhood), I’m right here and right now, single and in my forties. I choose to accept and appreciate my extraordinary life, and continue to live my life to its greatest potential.

Love is still ahead of me and I won’t settle for anything less. And if I’m lucky, neither will he.

A Perfect Sunday Lunch

I enjoy food, there's no doubt about that! I am also quick to compliment anybody,  relative or friend, who can cook and whip up an excellent, mean dish. I don't claim to be a good cook myself and even admit that I am only a mediocre cook, but an expert "eater."

I, however, come from a family who are experts at cooking. My family loves Caldereta. It is a dish that has been adapted from the Spanish during their Philippine occupancy from 1521 to 1898 and us Filipino’s did not waste any of our time making our own version. Caldereta is goat meat stewed with vegetables that may include tomatoes, potatoes, olives, bell peppers and hot peppers. As special at it may seem, preparing something like this takes some time, for the meat to tenderize, and patience. But it is all worth the wait.

Preparing this Filipino goat meat stew does not need to be so complicated. Before you know it, this will be your favorite dish to prepare.

You will need:

2 tbsps  Cooking Oil (for sauteing)
2 tbsps  Garlic (crushed)
1/4 cup  Onion (sliced)
500 grams Goat Meat (preferably short ribs, cut up)
2 cups Water   
3/4 cup  Potato (cut into chunks)
3/4 cup Carrots (cut into chunks)
3/4 cup Saba (cut into chunks)
1 pc Laurel leaf
1/2 tsps Salt   
1/4 tsp Black Pepper   
1 pc Siling Labuyo (sliced, optional)
1/2 cup Green Peas (cooked or frozen)
1/4 cup Red Bell Pepper    (cut into strips)
1/4 cup Green Bell Pepper (cut into strips)
1 pouch (200 grams) Tomato Sauce

The secret in preparing a good Caldereta is all in the meat. Using high quality meat can make or break the outcome of your dish. Since goat meat is not readily available in the market, beef can be used as an alternative and you can make "Bakareta" instead.

The trick in cooking Caldereta is browning the meat and making use of the part that caramelizes at the bottom of the pot to enhance the flavor of the broth. This will leave you with a broth that's richly flavored, providing a great taste to your Caldereta. Immediately add cooking oil after the meat is removed. Saute garlic and onions. Add water and bring to a boil. Simmer for 2-3 hours or until meat is tender.

Add Tomato Sauce, potato, carrots, laurel leaf, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil and turn down heat to simmer. Cook for 10 minutes. Add green peas, saba and bell peppers. Bring to a boil then simmer for 15 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Serve hot over a HUGE bed of rice. The fact that Caldereta tastes way better when reheated the next day, makes it a great and time saving party alternative.

I would love to put more words for this dish but Caldereta is now being served at the dining table. The tantalizing aroma is calling out to me “come and indulge!” What the heck! It is the weekend, after all!

Right, off I go now... but before that let me remind you to put some extra cups of rice in the rice cooker. Happy eating!

My Cousins are Better Than Yours

As kids, your cousins are usually the first friends you have. The rare kind of friends who remain close to you for so many years. You lost your grandparents all at the same time. Welcomed baby cousins into the family together. Dealt with family crisis one after the other, all at the same time. No one will ever understand your crazy family like your cousins do.

You once spoke about your careers and jobs, marriages and children. Girl cousins talked about being each other’s bridesmaids. You talked about how your kids would grow up together and play together all the time, like you once did. Cousins are the ones celebrating with you at your highs. They are the ones mourning with you at your lows. And an unprecedented kind of companionship can only come from that. Now that time is slowly creeping up on you, you wish you could go back to just playing together when the whole family meets up for lunch on Sundays and during the holidays.

Now that everyone's grown up, you don't get to spend time with each other as much as you would want to, as you all have your own families to take care of. But when you do get to see each other again, these times are a lot more entertaining. My cousin Kenneth just came back from the UK for a short vacation. We met up and caught up with each other over the weekend when they came to our house for lunch. It was total chaos. We then went ahead to enjoy a night of music and the "feel-at-home" outdoor dining experience at The Outpost, along Veterans' Drive in Lahug.

The place is an old house turned resto bar and hang-out place for aspiring rock musicians. The place was pretty packed that night, both indoors (where the main stage was) and outdoors, with a veranda with a couple tables (that we occupied) overseeing the stage only. The bar is also known to support local popular Cebuano bands like Fastpitch and Urbandub. So, if you’re looking for a place to hang out, try the Outpost, for good music, relaxing ambiance and an interesting menu of local drinks and hang-out food (their Pork Sisig is to die for).

Good music and good food shared with good company, I couldn't think of any better way to end my week right. Because you’re more than just friends (you’re blood), the ties that bind you with your cousins are deep. The pride and loyalty you have for your family, fierce. While friends will be there for you when you call, cousins will show up just because there’s food.

Celebration of Life and Death

Oh how I wanted to hate and be angry at you for leaving. We didn’t know how sick you were. We all thought it was just heartburn. No one could’ve prevented it. I asked you to have it checked out all the time, but you being you, you didn’t think about yourself but worried more about everyone else.  If only you had.

I miss you so much.  There are times that the pain comes out of nowhere, as if I was brought back those first few minutes of that frightful night. You just don’t know how much I miss you. I keep thinking of things to come that I could no longer share/celebrate with you. My birthday came and I was reminded of how you would always be the first to greet me on my birthdays. It felt different because there was one greeting missing.

The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night, had coffee, wishing you were there to share a cup with me while watching senseless TV with the wolves. The emptiness I feel will never be filled and missing you will become even more painful in the coming years —in grandiose moments of celebrations and flitting moments of weakness. I miss you the most when I'm frustrated with work or with friends. You were always willing to let me just rant and rant. I counted on you to be there, to protect me. I guess that's why I miss you.

All I know is that you are helping me survive. Does not matter if there is a granite plaque and a stone wall protecting you from this world — I can feel a certain closeness with you, taking comfort in the knowledge that I could go and visit you anytime I want to. You left too soon. I hope you know that to us, you were a perfect brother, a perfect son to Mommy, a perfect husband to Achie and the best father to Nicole. Everyone loved you despite your problems. I hope your wounds – both physical and mental – are healed, and that you are safe there.

It has been a year since you have left us. It amazes me sometimes how I survived a full year without you, I can only wonder when I will see you again. 

Love you Manoy.

Mi Corazon at 69

There’s no bond quite like that between a mother and her child. She knows me in ways no one else ever will. She sees in me all the things I can still become and continue having faith that I can do and be whatever I want, no matter what my age. She is my number 1 fan, my confidant, my turn-to-person, my mentor, my hero when my whole world comes crashing down.  She is the first one I go to tell when things are doing great. The comfort coming from the friendship I have with her, the confidence that her faith in me in stills, and her unquestioning support of whatever I do, is irreplaceable. The kind of there-for-me that she is, is the very essence of what makes her a great mother.

When I think of the many words that I could use to describe my mother, one word that comes to mind is “COACH”. She ALWAYS gives me that PUSH I need in my life. When I was a child she encouraged me to always do what was right. In all of my forty years, she's also my taskmaster, my co-conspirator and, sometimes, even my loan officer. She taught me so many things, probably a lot more than what was taught in school.

Although you might not have pegged her as a business woman, she taught me about the art of deal-making. There were times she would say, "Okay, let us make a deal."  These deals never had any strings attached to them, which is why I always felt loved, but never made it in sales.

She taught me a lot about strength and endurance. In my case, it was trying to open recalcitrant jar tops for her or bringing down heavy boxes. But more often than not, it is her strength that I learned from, especially when Manoy passed away last year. We all worried so much about her, but she worried more about us. While many in her position may have become weaker, I saw her become stronger. She lived on because this family is her life and we are still here. We gave her strength, but unbeknownst to her, she gave us more.

She had taught me a lot of things about love and the meaning of family. Sometimes it is a play-by-play on the telenovela she is watching, regardless of whether or not I am interested. But most often, it is how she shows her unconditional love to not only blood relations, but to everyone – wife, husband, friend, girlfriend or boyfriend – ex or present of each member of the family. To her family, is not genetic, but a feeling. Once you were loved by someone she loved, she loved you.

She is the central hub of our family. The keystone in the arch. The foundation of our lives. I could talk endlessly about how amazing my mother is. I wear her unconditional love and support around me like a big hug every single day. She is my best friend, and that’s why I tell her as much as I can how grateful I am to have someone as amazing as she is as my mother.

Mom, I am so blessed to have you in my life. I’ve probably said it before, but I'll say it again — You are my angel on earth, Mom. Thank you for always, always being at my side and having my back. No one is in my corner quite the way you are. I treasure you, Mom, and love you more than life itself. You are an amazing soul ever ready to learn something new, always open to differing opinions, and so compassionate and kind. You have always taught by example. There will never be a day in my life when I won’t need you. I’m here for you too. Please remember that.

Happy, happy, happy birthday, Mom. Thank you for making my world a better place.