Celebration of Life and Death

Oh how I wanted to hate and be angry at you for leaving. We didn’t know how sick you were. We all thought it was just heartburn. No one could’ve prevented it. I asked you to have it checked out all the time, but you being you, you didn’t think about yourself but worried more about everyone else.  If only you had.

I miss you so much.  There are times that the pain comes out of nowhere, as if I was brought back those first few minutes of that frightful night. You just don’t know how much I miss you. I keep thinking of things to come that I could no longer share/celebrate with you. My birthday came and I was reminded of how you would always be the first to greet me on my birthdays. It felt different because there was one greeting missing.

The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night, had coffee, wishing you were there to share a cup with me while watching senseless TV with the wolves. The emptiness I feel will never be filled and missing you will become even more painful in the coming years —in grandiose moments of celebrations and flitting moments of weakness. I miss you the most when I'm frustrated with work or with friends. You were always willing to let me just rant and rant. I counted on you to be there, to protect me. I guess that's why I miss you.

All I know is that you are helping me survive. Does not matter if there is a granite plaque and a stone wall protecting you from this world — I can feel a certain closeness with you, taking comfort in the knowledge that I could go and visit you anytime I want to. You left too soon. I hope you know that to us, you were a perfect brother, a perfect son to Mommy, a perfect husband to Achie and the best father to Nicole. Everyone loved you despite your problems. I hope your wounds – both physical and mental – are healed, and that you are safe there.

It has been a year since you have left us. It amazes me sometimes how I survived a full year without you, I can only wonder when I will see you again. 

Love you Manoy.