“Never married” means you must have some neurotic trait that makes you impossible to live with and love. Families think you’re too picky, friends say your too career-focused and dates assume you’re high maintenance. It’s sad that having a marriage under your belt is considered a sign you’re not damaged goods. I don’t want 20-somethings today to feel that stigma at 40. As women, we finally can enjoy choices previous generations fought for. Getting married isn’t a forgone conclusion or a result of a pregnancy test. For my mothers’ generation, it was just expected that you marry and have kids. If you weren’t happy with that, then there was something wrong with you. Today we know in theory at least, that marriage and baby is not an automatic “pass go” to happiness.
I don’t dismiss the powerful effect that societal messages about “wedded bliss” have on young women. However, I think some of the judgment is in our own heads. It’s another case of thinking other people are spending way more time thinking about you than they do. Yes, we are fascinated by the Cinderella stories (and their break-down) but that doesn’t apply to real life where we are caught up in our own issues.
Being single in your 40s can be very fulfilling. It’s like being single in your 20s with less stress. By 40 you likely have more disposable income than at 20 and less responsibility than a couple. Once you get past the judgment, there’s a lot of freedom. I can’t remember the last time I felt lonely. Sure, I’ve had weekends where I was home alone baking, sleeping, or reading, when it felt like everyone else was at the beach. And I’ve been in a room full of people, feeling like I just want to be home, by myself. But lonely, truly lonely? I haven’t felt that in a long time. That’s because, as the saying goes, wherever I go, there I am. And I’ve got a full, rich life, one I’ve created for myself. It is by no means the life I expected to have at age 43, but it’s an abundant life in its own magnificent way. It’s a new kind of happiness I’m quite proud to have achieved and call my own.
I have the unconditional love of my mom, a sister, sister-in-law, a niece I am besotted by. My friends are there for me in the worst of times and the best of times and more importantly, in all the times in between. I’ve learned in my forties that being single is rarely lonely when you’ve cultivated strong relationships with others. My friends are indeed the family I choose.
In my 20s, I never imagined I wouldn’t be a mother in my 40s. In my 30s, or at least until my late 30s, I never imagined I would be single in my 40s. But here I am, single and childless in my mid-40s. And while I would be so grateful to find a for-the-rest-of-my-life kind of love (and with God’s help, motherhood), I’m right here and right now, single and in my forties. I choose to accept and appreciate my extraordinary life, and continue to live my life to its greatest potential.
Love is still ahead of me and I won’t settle for anything less. And if I’m lucky, neither will he.
